The beginning of a funny era

It’s confession time.

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Someone once mentioned to me that life in the 30’s is different. It’s something else. Like a switch in your head clicks, and you’ve finally thrown away all the mistakes and embarrassing phases of your life, down the drain, along with a whole bunch of people you no longer want around.

Well, my switch clicked, and things have never been the same in my head since. I no longer accept to be in mediocre situations, around mediocre friendships living  a mediocre life. I also developed an ability to make fun of myself and things that bother me, once you find humor in tough situations you’ve already won.

In an effort to become a less dramatic person than I was back in my  20’s, I’m going to be writing more comedy, based on certain situations, people, cultures in my Lebanese life and circle. I am calling the segment, ” Lebanese Perplexions”.

Stay tuned to this space as more funny stuff are coming your way.

 

Cold Truth

indiedoodles

I wish can I be the work of art
that portrays the mystical beauty
of goddesses

I wish I can be the details brush stroke
that adds that extra touch
to your masterpiece

I wish I can be the perfect silhouette
whose outlines are the perfect fit
for your hands to rest on

I wish I can the vision of humanity
that ignites hope in the meek and dark
times of our era

I wish I can embody forgiveness
this rare jewel, that has lost
its efficacy

I wish I can attain perfection
WAIT..what is perfection?
Is it the one the dwells in the
protruding bones of
corpse like beauties in the media?

Is it the lush, stuffed in their
luscious lips? Is it the popularity
that so sadly pumps them
with a sick form of self worth?
Is it the number of sheep that follows
them blindly just to abide
by…

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The urge

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I keep wondering lately, is love something we control? Or does love control us?

Do we have power over our hearts? Or are we weakened by a gentle touch, a passionate kiss and a deep gaze into our souls?

Is love confused with familiarity and safety? Or does it build up until there’s no point denying that your heart now beats in harmony with someone else’s?

When you’re mutually terrified, is this a sign that you’re about to enter a wonderful adventure, or are you prone to repeating the mistakes of the past? What is this terror? Why are we scared of being wounded again? Why is pain always directing our decisions the older we get? Why does love equate to being hurt, even in its early blossoming stages?

The scars we carry remind us of them, those lovers we adored, those lovers we hated. Those lovers who showed us the world and then destroyed us.

Fighting the urge to feel is the hardest torture a heart can endure. But a heart that has shattered and healed is fragile..tender.. it’s a newborn heart wondering, wandering in the endless maze of solitude and companionship.

It’s terrifying it isn’t it? The thought of opening up to someone again..sharing a life with someone, fusing together. But maybe, this time, you’ll make it right, you’ll do it better, you’ll understand that even though you’re together, your identities remain separate, your differences are acknowledged yet understood, after all that’s the whole point isn’t it? Being with someone who completes you, not defines you.

Facing my demons

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I woke up one day and there was this serenity that had taken over me..for no apparent reason. I was smiling, I was happy for no reason, and it stuck on me for a while. At first I didn’t know what it was, but after a few weeks I realized what this new essence running in my veins was: Peace.

For the first time since I can remember, I feel peaceful. Inside out, there are no wars left for me to fight, no battles to win, no grief to endure, no mistakes to dwell on anymore..

For the first time since I can remember, I feel strong. Like a tree that battled against the wind for decades, finally surrendering its branches so gracefully to the flow of air surrounding it, embracing it, pumping life into it. The tree and the wind become one entity, they don’t fight anymore, they don’t try to break each other. They’re there. Together.

For the first time since I can remember, I forgive myself. Like a river carrying all the sorrows and pains of my past, drowning my fears, regrets and casting them into the open sea.

For the first time since I can remember, I feel free. Like an eagle soaring in the highest skies, observing, looking down at my past life and moving forward to a new destination.

I faced my demons with my teeth, biting into their poisonous flesh. I faced them with my claws, ripping their egos apart, I faced them with my eyes, looking into their cursed souls..and I cried for them, I held them strong, I spoke to them and asked them to set me free because I am ready to be set free into the world..make amends, make it right, with whoever I’ve wronged, myself..my soul.. my heart..my body..my head.. my all.

They put up quite a fight, lurking in the darkness, waiting for me.. Sneaking up on me..finding their way into my dreams, sometimes into my days.. But I fought back, I was resilient. I cried some more, I bled some more, I stood my ground and told them to leave..screaming my lungs out with pain, with joy, with laughter. I was stuck in dimensions and I wanted to burst out with life. I was there, staring at them, I told them: it’s ok, you don’t have to be with me anymore, just leave. And they did.

Then one day I woke up, with a smile that was radiating with love, with peace, with forgiveness. I was love, I am love, I love. I am surrounded by love, and then I realized that if it wasn’t for all that pain, that destruction, that humiliation, the never ending sadness and heartache, I wouldn’t have been filled with so much self-love, with love to everything around me.

Love.

Pulchritude

Amazing..

indiedoodles

Standing alone
facing a raging storm
with tornadoes of hate
sweeping everything
that lit with hope

Standing alone
Your body flamed with courage
even when it rained insults
Your flame still burned with more passion
than ever

Standing alone, scanning the surroundings
all those supportive bodies that were once there
were stripped to their true ignorant nature
by the winds of truth

Standing alone, realizing
that not all were support
but they were just mere puppets
in a show

Now that the curtains are down
and the winds blew away that facade
that harnessed a skeleton of lies
Your world was better without them

Standing alone, knowing yourself
was like walking through a field of roses
The thorns made it a rough journey
but you were seduced by the beauty of those roses
that hover on top of all that thorny evil

Standing alone, in the middle of that rose field
You notice, the roses…

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We Remain Living

The Fickle Heartbeat

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Shared by musingsbythebay.

Any type of change has the potential to be uncomfortable and even difficult, but a change in a relationship often triggers a suffering that is universal. We’ve all had romantic relationships that end in heartbreak, friendships that dissipate, loved ones whose lives end while we remain living.

We remain living.

During and after a loss of a relationship, life keeps on moving and sometimes we struggle to keep up. The grief of no longer having the person’s company, knowing that plans that you’d made before the loss will no longer manifest, the reality that someone in whom you found solace in is no longer available to you, these are all factors that you are left to confront.

I woke up several weeks ago to a couple of missed calls from a friend and a text that urged me to call back. When I did call…

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Welcoming… Adulthood?

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Hitting adulthood is just like hitting puberty, it’s sudden, it’s messy and it’s supercharged with emotions and thoughts that come creeping up on you by the time you’re soaking up the last twenty-something year of your life…trying to figure out if you’re really ready to be an adult, or if you just want to remain  and live as an extended teenage version of yourself.

I recently turned 29, and boy it has been like another round of hormonal, emotional and psychological changes that make me want to crawl into bed and just…die? Nah- just kidding- I meant take a really long nap.

I’ve had quite an unstable life in my 20’s which seems legit right? It was a struggle finding a career I wanted and liked, it was a struggle to find the right guy , friends and whatnot, and it was a struggle to figure out what I’ll be doing by the time I’m a “grown-up”. Well, I guess I am turning into an adult now, only to realize it’s just another decade of living, yet a completely different phase of living, and here’s how:

1- Trivial things won’t affect you anymore- you washed your car and it rained? Big deal, it still smells nice on the inside.

2- Your poor time management skills that drained you over the years? GONE. You have a nice little routine for your everyday schedule, and sometimes you end up doing absolutely nothing at all, yet feel great about it.

3- You look back at all the crazy things you’ve done and said to family, friends, people, and exes, sober or drunk, and completely laugh about how stupid and childish you were. If it weren’t for those crazy moments, you wouldn’t be who you are today.

4- You develop an ” I don’t really care” attitude for anything that doesn’t sing the right notes to you, be it relationships, jobs, or friendships. It seems it’s easier to walk away from these things now than a few years back, your attachment issues are long gone, and your need for validation from people shrinks to…ZERO.

5- Your body gives up on you by midnight- wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, it’s time to go to bed. Bye bye “over-the-top” partying habits.

6- You can’t have your cake and eat it too. No, seriously. 1 slice of cake = 1 pound gained. What the heck metabolism? Why are you dying on me? Forget about pizza too.

7- You learn to appreciate your parents more, and start cutting them some slack.

8- You forgive yourself, and become friends with yourself.

9- You realize every person you’ve met added some kind of insight to your life, or helped shaped your list of what you want-or not, in people in your life.

10- – You read this and realize you’re not the only one trying to figure out how this adulthood thing works.

Growing up isn’t optional, it’s mandatory. It just happens and you have to deal with it. But it’s fun to keep a little spark of craziness inside of us to remind us that age is just a number, and life is shorter than we once thought.

Share your thoughts with me!