The urge


I keep wondering lately, is love something we control? Or does love control us?

Do we have power over our hearts? Or are we weakened by a gentle touch, a passionate kiss and a deep gaze into our souls?

Is love confused with familiarity and safety? Or does it build up until there’s no point denying that your heart now beats in harmony with someone else’s?

When you’re mutually terrified, is this a sign that you’re about to enter a wonderful adventure, or are you prone to repeating the mistakes of the past? What is this terror? Why are we scared of being wounded again? Why is pain always directing our decisions the older we get? Why does love equate to being hurt, even in its early blossoming stages?

The scars we carry remind us of them, those lovers we adored, those lovers we hated. Those lovers who showed us the world and then destroyed us.

Fighting the urge to feel is the hardest torture a heart can endure. But a heart that has shattered and healed is fragile..tender.. it’s a newborn heart wondering, wandering in the endless maze of solitude and companionship.

It’s terrifying it isn’t it? The thought of opening up to someone again..sharing a life with someone, fusing together. But maybe, this time, you’ll make it right, you’ll do it better, you’ll understand that even though you’re together, your identities remain separate, your differences are acknowledged yet understood, after all that’s the whole point isn’t it? Being with someone who completes you, not defines you.


Facing my demons


I woke up one day and there was this serenity that had taken over me..for no apparent reason. I was smiling, I was happy for no reason, and it stuck on me for a while. At first I didn’t know what it was, but after a few weeks I realized what this new essence running in my veins was: Peace.

For the first time since I can remember, I feel peaceful. Inside out, there are no wars left for me to fight, no battles to win, no grief to endure, no mistakes to dwell on anymore..

For the first time since I can remember, I feel strong. Like a tree that battled against the wind for decades, finally surrendering its branches so gracefully to the flow of air surrounding it, embracing it, pumping life into it. The tree and the wind become one entity, they don’t fight anymore, they don’t try to break each other. They’re there. Together.

For the first time since I can remember, I forgive myself. Like a river carrying all the sorrows and pains of my past, drowning my fears, regrets and casting them into the open sea.

For the first time since I can remember, I feel free. Like an eagle soaring in the highest skies, observing, looking down at my past life and moving forward to a new destination.

I faced my demons with my teeth, biting into their poisonous flesh. I faced them with my claws, ripping their egos apart, I faced them with my eyes, looking into their cursed souls..and I cried for them, I held them strong, I spoke to them and asked them to set me free because I am ready to be set free into the world..make amends, make it right, with whoever I’ve wronged, soul.. my head.. my all.

They put up quite a fight, lurking in the darkness, waiting for me.. Sneaking up on me..finding their way into my dreams, sometimes into my days.. But I fought back, I was resilient. I cried some more, I bled some more, I stood my ground and told them to leave..screaming my lungs out with pain, with joy, with laughter. I was stuck in dimensions and I wanted to burst out with life. I was there, staring at them, I told them: it’s ok, you don’t have to be with me anymore, just leave. And they did.

Then one day I woke up, with a smile that was radiating with love, with peace, with forgiveness. I was love, I am love, I love. I am surrounded by love, and then I realized that if it wasn’t for all that pain, that destruction, that humiliation, the never ending sadness and heartache, I wouldn’t have been filled with so much self-love, with love to everything around me.


Welcoming… Adulthood?


Hitting adulthood is just like hitting puberty, it’s sudden, it’s messy and it’s supercharged with emotions and thoughts that come creeping up on you by the time you’re soaking up the last twenty-something year of your life…trying to figure out if you’re really ready to be an adult, or if you just want to remainĀ  and live as an extended teenage version of yourself.

I recently turned 29, and boy it has been like another round of hormonal, emotional and psychological changes that make me want to crawl into bed and just…die? Nah- just kidding- I meant take a really long nap.

I’ve had quite an unstable life in my 20’s which seems legit right? It was a struggle finding a career I wanted and liked, it was a struggle to find the right guy , friends and whatnot, and it was a struggle to figure out what I’ll be doing by the time I’m a “grown-up”. Well, I guess I am turning into an adult now, only to realize it’s just another decade of living, yet a completely different phase of living, and here’s how:

1- Trivial things won’t affect you anymore- you washed your car and it rained? Big deal, it still smells nice on the inside.

2- Your poor time management skills that drained you over the years? GONE. You have a nice little routine for your everyday schedule, and sometimes you end up doing absolutely nothing at all, yet feel great about it.

3- You look back at all the crazy things you’ve done and said to family, friends, people, and exes, sober or drunk, and completely laugh about how stupid and childish you were. If it weren’t for those crazy moments, you wouldn’t be who you are today.

4- You develop an ” I don’t really care” attitude for anything that doesn’t sing the right notes to you, be it relationships, jobs, or friendships. It seems it’s easier to walk away from these things now than a few years back, your attachment issues are long gone, and your need for validation from people shrinks to…ZERO.

5- Your body gives up on you by midnight- wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, it’s time to go to bed. Bye bye “over-the-top” partying habits.

6- You can’t have your cake and eat it too. No, seriously. 1 slice of cake = 1 pound gained. What the heck metabolism? Why are you dying on me? Forget about pizza too.

7- You learn to appreciate your parents more, and start cutting them some slack.

8- You forgive yourself, and become friends with yourself.

9- You realize every person you’ve met added some kind of insight to your life, or helped shaped your list of what you want-or not, in people in your life.

10- – You read this and realize you’re not the only one trying to figure out how this adulthood thing works.

Growing up isn’t optional, it’s mandatory. It just happens and you have to deal with it. But it’s fun to keep a little spark of craziness inside of us to remind us that age is just a number, and life is shorter than we once thought.

Share your thoughts with me!